Thursday night was the most ecstatic I’ve felt in about a year. I was bumping every H.E.R album, then NAO’s Saturn album, then Uncle Burna, just as you do. It had been so long since I just danced in front of the mirror- it’s one of my favorite things to do, and sometimes the music just hits somewhere too real you know.
I was dancing in the mirror, my favorite urban outfitters culottes low slung on my hips, baggy crop top grazing my midriff, marley twists in a side ponytail secured by my favorite headwrap. I felt light and happy. The midriff is my favorite body part- I hadn’t had mine out in a minute though. Over 2016 and 2017 I gained weight, going up about two dress sizes from the size I’d been most of my life. My body is naturally pretty small, but late night Chinese food orders and zero exercise set up tent in my gut and would not leave. The years before, in 2014 and 2015, I had struggled with wanting to be thinner because I felt like I took up too much space (big black girl syndrome) and because I thought it was the way to be beautiful if you were femme (thin lipstick girl syndrome). Somehow through 2016 and 2017 I gained over 50 pounds and did not even notice it was happening until one time I bought HM jeans and they would not go up past my ankles.
2016 had a lot of sad parts for me- I lived with someone I didn’t know in an apartment that was too dark and had too much empty space. I had a falling out with a friend that I wanted to work out but they didn’t. I lost the romantic love and best friend I’d had for most of my having-romantic-feelings lifespan. It had some really blessed moments too like how I even found that apartment- a true testimony to God’s provision in my life. 2017 was mostly comfortable. I took a class which challenged me and strengthened my sense of purpose. I found a really beautiful community of people. I also had my hardest semester emotionally, and came to recognize that I was pretty unhappy. I was eating badly and not taking care of myself. I was really uncomfortable in my body.
Now, I am almost back to the size I was in 2015, and I know that watching myself dance in the mirror, I feel better that I see my midriff leaner than it has been these last few years. I don’t know how to feel about that. I know I’m the most comfortable in my body when I’m thinner and somehow I have come to equate happy, true me with thin, butt-length marley twists me. I don’t like that because I want to be able to feel good about myself at whatever size, but I think it’s harder because I do associate the time I was thicker with low points in my life. It doesn’t feel like a healthy parallel and I’m writing this so that I can think through it.
Weight and body politics is the kind of thing that growing up I heard people say depended on where you were geographically because different cultures had different aesthetic senses. Now, however, I feel like global fashion culture at least is pretty clear about that thin will always be in. Because I would love to work in the mainstream fashion industry as some kind of a model, that’s really difficult for me to process. I’m torn between knowing that it presents unrealistic body standards and is often unhealthy for young women–myself included; and somehow still wanting it.
I think I’m learning now to look at my body as what it actually is- a temple. I’m learning to take care of myself out of self love and because this earthly body is a gift. I’m learning that beyond thinness, my body is deserving of love however it looks and that healthy looks different on every body. I want to honour it without idolizing it, realizing always that what’s more important is how I use it to serve God’s purpose. I will likely update this blog on how my relationship with my body matures/transforms so I look forward to having other developments to share with you over time.
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