The thing I was thinking about the most this week was the assertion that God is good. In my post about anxiety, I mentioned that I was praying for peace this year– peace and freedom. I wanted to know what peace meant, how I could live it, what it would take for me to attain a state of peace. I think I am learning from within and without, liberatory philosophies that allow me to breathe, praise and live. I said a prayer in a moment of deep distress, and I got an answer. I asked God what His love meant because I didn’t feel it. You say You love me but what does that mean. Why do I feel pain, why do the physical manifestations of anxiety beat my body the way they do, why can’t I sleep through the night, why can’t my heart beat normally, why can’t I breathe. I shared the answer in these photos I put up on my insta story that I will insert here.
I realized that the foundation of my question of my question was my personal understanding that I deserved a life free of these things. I deserved the good things that happened to me, and I deserved a life full of only those things. I’m a decent human being, I mind my business, why don’t I get to be happy all the time and have things move smoothly. The answer I got, which might seem counter-intuitive to the point I’m heading at was that I deserved nothing. I didn’t deserve a good life because I was a decent person. I wouldn’t deserve a good life if I never made any mistakes and was always good to other people. Everything I have, everything good thing I have the capacity to be is not because I deserve it, it’s because a good God gives them to me out of His love. I could never earn the right to or deserve to wake up healthy, to have a loving and supportive family, to have the abilities that I do- I have them because God chooses to give them to me out of love.
The condition of humanity is stress lol, we have new problems to deal with everyday. We have things fall through, other people’s mistakes cause us harm, we can’t always trust each other. Through all of that, I can trust that a good God who gives me good things is active in the negative situations, and is carrying me through them. He will often not make them disappear but He will always be present to grow me and provide for me through them. So when I prayed and asked what God’s love meant, that was my answer. Even though I deserve nothing, He gives me life, and faith, and love.
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